Never Doubt That I Love
by WickedForGood13
Summary: When Thor's banishment is revoked and he returns to Asgard with his powers fully restored, he is prepared to confront Loki. Even to fight him, if necessary. Instead, Loki forces Thor to face up to some painful truths about their past as brothers, and in so doing, strengthens the familial bonds that are the foundation of their relationship.


Thor made for an imposing figure, standing as he was in the doorway with his feet planted and brandishing his hammer, as he watched Loki and their mother embrace, Loki having just dispatched the Frost Giant who would have ended their father's life. Loki was the first to notice him, and Thor was surprised to see his brother's eyes widen and inexplicably fill with tears as pain, longing, and regret pooled within the expressive emerald green orbs.

Then, Thor's mother caught sight of him, and she ran to his side, throwing her arms around his neck. But Thor still had eyes only for Loki, who had fallen to his knees and thrown away their father's staff, Gungnir, that was his by rights when he had assumed the thrown, prostrating himself with his arms extended in front of him so that his forehead was pressed to the floor.

"Mother," said Thor, returning her embrace while never once taking his eyes from off of Loki's prone form. "Would you leave us, please? This is something that must be settled between my brother and I, and no one else." It did not go unnoticed by Thor, who had yet to look away from Loki, how the other man tensed at being referred to as 'brother.'

Glancing once between the two, Frigga left the room, her skirts swishing behind her as she disappeared around a corner and was lost from sight. Thor, who had watched her go, now turned once more to face Loki, who had yet to rise and face his brother's ire.

"Explain yourself, _brother_," hissed Thor, his words breaking the room's stillness and silence like the crack of a whip. Loki, who had raised himself to his knees, flinched and shrunk away from Thor's spittle which struck him in the face, but otherwise remained unresponsive, refusing to answer to Thor's demand. His patience already worn thin, and not being in the mood to deal with Loki's recalcitrance, Thor slammed his fist into the other man's face in an attempt to loosen his brother's tongue, and sent Loki reeling backwards from the force of the blow.

Yet Loki made no attempts to defend himself, merely rising once more to his knees and awaiting his brother's further judgment.

"You will explain yourself to _me_," said Thor again, closing the distance between them and gripping Loki's hair in his hand, then tugging sharply and thus raising Loki's eyes to meet his. What he saw shocked him: defeat and despair both, as if Loki was already resigned to whatever fate Thor thought fitting and would choose not to fight his decision but rather accept his verdict.

"Tell me, Loki – " Thor's tone softened as he knelt on the floor in front of his brother so that they were level, equals. " – You've fashioned yourself as king in my absence. Yet you once looked to me to rule and would have knelt to me in homage. Do you still feel as you did then?"

After several moments of silence, fraught with tension, Loki finally spoke: "My feelings for you could never change... brother." His voice, a mere whisper, yet managed to carry to the corners of the cavernous chamber.

"Then why all the lies and trickery, why all the deceit?" asked Thor, struggling to understand Loki's motivation for acting as he had.

"Do you have any idea what it was like for me to grow up in your shadow, to constantly be compared to you and yet never measure up to your great deeds?" Loki clenched his fists as he re-lived all that he had suffered at Thor's and his family's hands over the years, albeit unwittingly. "I was always the odd one out, the strange dark-haired silent boy who followed his golden brother around like a little puppy. Just once, I wanted to be your equal in Father's eyes.

"And then, to discover that I'm the son of a Frost Giant, taken by Odin in my infancy as insurance for peace between our peoples... To have been lied to my whole life; to know, now, that I am a monster; to have been punished and ostracized for my differences, when all I wanted was to be loved: by you, by Father..."

For once at a loss for words, Thor could only stretch out a trembling hand with which to clasp his brother at the base of his neck, fondling the nape while his thumb stroked Loki's sharply defined cheekbones. Loki's shoulders slumped, whether in defeat or for some other reason Thor could not discern. Loki then leaned into the heat of Thor's palm, choosing to ignore the discomfort he felt where Thor had struck him earlier. It was no more than he deserved, in any case. Thor had had every right to lash out at him as he had. Loki only hoped that he hadn't permanently alienated his brother, for eternity was a long time to live without the half that made one whole.

"I have missed you, Thor," he whispered, shuffling closer until his and Thor's knees were touching, and their foreheads were pressed up against one another.

"And I, you," Thor replied. "Loki, I had no idea that you felt as you do. If I had but known..."

"Do not blame yourself, brother," Loki advised him. "I hid my feelings too well for you or anyone else to notice. As I said on the day of your coronation, you are my brother and my friend, and while at times I may have been envious, never doubt that I love you, my brother... my king." At this, Loki bowed his head and took Thor's hand in his, raising it to his lips and kissing the knuckles.

"Brother..." Thor whispered, and pulled Loki to him, wrapping his arms securely around the slighter man and holding on tight. Loki responded in kind, burying his face in the crook of Thor's neck and reveling in the security he felt when being held by his brother. "You are not a monster, and the knowledge that you are of the Jotun race does nothing to change my feelings for you," Thor's voice sounded soothingly in Loki's ear, "I have always loved you, whatever you might have thought to the contrary, and I will do better to show that I feel so for you from now on."

The brothers remained on the floor with their arms around each other for some minutes, uncaring of the abuse their knees were taking from remaining stationary for so long. At length, though, Thor pulled away, though swiftly moving to clasp the back of Loki's neck and press their foreheads together, unwilling to be parted from his brother for even a moment after having come so close to losing him. "Shall we retire?" he asked at last, barely sparing Odin a glance, more concerned with Loki and his brother's current state of mind.

"If you wish," Loki acquiesced, deferring to his brother's needs rather than his own. "I imagine you must be exhausted from your ordeal."

"Partly," said Thor. "But also, I thought that any further discussion could take place in greater comfort – not to mention privacy – in one of our rooms."

This was expected, if undesired on Loki's part. He knew that he had yet to fully explain his actions in Thor's absence, and he assumed there would be much more groveling in his future as he sought to regain Thor's favor, not to mention Odin's, once he awoke. "Lead the way, then, brother mine," he said, sweeping Thor a formal bow, though the corners of his mouth were quirked upwards so Thor knew that his actions were more in jest than anything. He never wanted Loki to feel as though he should lower himself to Thor because of any differences between them.

Never again would Loki feel insecure in his position as a son, a brother, or even as a citizen of Asgard – this Thor swore on his very life.

The golden prince and his dark-haired brother walked through the palace halls in silence. Loki, still doubting his welcome, attempted to walk a pace or two behind Thor, but the elder would have none of this. Gripping Loki's arm in his, he pulled the younger prince against his side so that their shoulders were brushing as they continued their sojourn to the royal bed chambers. Loki's eyes were trained on his feet, so he didn't notice Thor shooting him concerned glances from time to time. Eventually, they reached the rooms designated for the royal family.

"Yours or mine?" Loki inquired, thinking back to the days when such a question would have been irrelevant, back to when the brothers used to share _everything_. But then Thor had grown older and begun to be teased for continuing to share a room with his brother, and so the two had separated, their individual rooms becoming but a symbol for the growing distance between them; and no longer was Loki welcome to turn to Thor whenever he suffered from nightmares, which was more often than he cared to admit to anyone.

"It is your choice, brother," Thor replied, wishing for Loki to be at home during what was sure to be a less-than comfortable discussion as many painful truths were revealed.

Thor followed after Loki as he pushed open the door to his room and went in. Roaming aimlessly around the chamber, his hands skimmed over the many artifacts he had obtained over the years, including numerous books and scrolls that he had studied extensively to become as skilled as he had in the art of magic. To Thor, it almost appeared as though Loki were bidding farewell to his past life. "Come. Will you sit with me, brother?" he asked, gesturing to one of several chairs situated throughout the room.

Loki, instead, climbed atop his bed and sat with his legs crossed, gazing impassively at Thor. "Go ahead, then," he said. "Ask of me what you will."

Thor joined his brother on the bed and took Loki's hands in his. "This isn't an interrogation," he said gently. "I readily admit to not being as clever as you, Loki. But I want to know – where did we go wrong as brothers? To me, this is the greatest mystery, and one I would dearly like an answer to."

Loki lowered his gaze from Thor's piercing blue eyes to their clasped hands. He had not expected such a question but, rather, had assumed that Thor would immediately rant and rave about how the Jotun were evil and should be destroyed. That had always been Thor's way, before. "For as long as I can remember," he started slowly, "I looked up to you, admired and worshipped you as all of Asgard did. You were my older brother, and you were the sun and the moon and the stars to me; I loved you more than my own life. Can you understand, then, how hard it was for me to be constantly dismissed by the same brother I so utterly adored?"

Thor opened his mouth to protest, but Loki silenced him with a _look_. "No one has ever seen me as you do, brother," he said wryly. "No one has cared for me in the same way, nor loved me so fiercely. I have never doubted this, your feelings for me. And yet, you were still so easily influenced by those around you, disregarding my suggestions and disdaining my skills in magic, despite the many instances in which you, the Warriors Three, and Lady Sif would have perished without me. I've always known that I was different, even as a youth. Where you prefer the light, I remained in shadow, depending on words while you relied on your weapons to sustain you. I had no such luxury, being weaker than you—"

No longer able to hold back, Thor broke into his brother's diatribe, protesting, "You are not weak, Loki! You're wiser than I or anyone else has ever given you credit for being. It takes wisdom to know when to run, and when to stand and fight. Sif and the others told me a little about what you said after I was first banished, and you were right. I wasn't ready to be king, and you were wise enough to see this and try to stop me. Strength does not always come from brute force alone. You have always known this, while I have only just learned. Forgive me."

Loki smiled at his speech and squeezed Thor's hand reassuringly. "All in the past, brother, I assure you," he said.

"Why would you have such a low opinion of yourself?" Thor inquired of his brother.

Loki hesitated before answering. "Do you remember," he started slowly, wary of angering Thor, "all the pranks we pulled when we were young? Did you not wonder why Odin never reprimanded you for the part you played?"

Thor thought for a moment – for several moments, actually – and then his eyes widened in horror. "You were blamed," he whispered.

"Every time," said Loki, confirming Thor's suspicions, "though not entirely by design, despite being more than willing to take the fall for you. Odin always looked so disappointed, even as he ordered me whipped or locked away, as if I could never measure up to his expectations or to you. And yet he must have known that you were at least partially responsible."

"Is this where your hatred of me comes from, then?" asked Thor.

"I don't hate you, brother," Loki quietly corrected him. "I never have. All I'm trying to do is point out the differences between us. Were we not both princes of Asgard? Yet why, then, was I the only one punished, while you were groomed to take Odin's place on the throne? He clearly favored you; he always had, as did others. Even Mother seemed to forget that I existed, at times. There were always whispers about me, rumors floating around: I was a liar and a trickster; I would never be as good as you, in any respect, because my skill lay solely in magic, a _woman's_ art; I was pathetic, weak, and a failure. Yet no one ever stood up for me because I didn't matter. I wasn't important. Only you were."

"You've always been important to me," Thor entreated him, only sensing that he had said something wrong when Loki's eyes flashed dangerously.

"Have I?" he snarled. "Was I important when you abandoned me for the company of the Warriors Three and Sif, going off on adventures and leaving me, the weakling, at home, alone? Was I important when I wanted to talk to you and you brushed me aside as though I were nothing but a bother or a nuisance? And was I important, _brother_, when I offered you advice that you foolishly chose to ignore, at the risk of not only your own life, but those of your friends, as well?"

Loki's words rang in the silence that followed, and Thor found himself incapable of meeting his brother's eyes. "You are right, about everything," he whispered at last. "I have been a fool. But I will be so no longer. From now on, you will come first, Loki – always. I promise." The silence stretched between them as Loki considered his brother seriously. To break the tension, Thor dared to address an observation he had made while Loki had previously been talking. "I notice you don't include yourself in the people whose lives I have put at risk," he said. "Why is that?"

"I'm not important," Loki replied instantly. "I don't matter next to you. What is my life compared to yours?"

"Haven't I just said that you've always been important to me?" asked Thor, frustrated at Loki's continued lack of belief in his own self-worth. "I may not have always treated you as I should have – I may even have taken you for granted – but never doubt that I love you."

Loki smirked at hearing Thor repeat his earlier words from the day of his coronation. But he quickly sobered when he recalled with startling clarity what had followed after, the choices he had made, and the tragedy that those same choices had resulted in. "Thor, I... I-" he stumbled over his words, unsure of how to proceed but knowing that his brother needed to hear the truth – and from him alone. Whatever the consequences, he would take them gladly. "I let the Jotun in," he finally said in a rush, eager to get it over with so that Thor could go ahead and hit him as he had already done so once before that evening. When nothing happened, he said again, "I let the Jotun into the palace on your coronation day, Thor. Didn't you hear me?"

"Why?" That simple question did more to stem the flood of his words than Thor's fist ever could. "Why would you do something like that, Loki?"

"It was meant to be just a bit of fun, to put off your reign for a while longer, and to prove that you weren't ready to be king. I knew what your response would be – to go to Jotunheim and exact revenge. I swear, though – I never once thought that Odin would banish you to Midgard and strip you of your powers. That was never my intent, for being parted from you would be as much a punishment for me as for you. I'm only sorry I couldn't do more to prevent Odin's actions against you, my brother."

"You did your best," Thor reassured him, squeezing Loki's hand in a gesture meant to comfort. Loki only smiled weakly at him. "What is it?"

"I'm sorry," he whispered, suddenly falling forward as though he would prostrate himself before Thor again. "I'm so sorry."

"For what?" asked Thor as he began to stroke Loki's black locks and clasp the back of his neck in a well-rehearsed move that had yet to fail in calming the younger prince.

"I tried... to kill you... with the Destroyer," Loki managed to choke out between sobs that stole his breath away. "Not to mention I lied to you about Odin being dead."

"Loki... _brother_," Thor sought to reassure him, "You weren't yourself. Father had only just revealed to you your past, after all. While I can't entirely understand what made you react as you did, I am still nonetheless sympathetic to what you must have been feeling."

"To learn that I was of a race we had been raised to hate from childhood and that you had so often boasted of slaying..." Loki whispered, tremors still wracking his body as he rocked back and forth in place, hardly even aware of Thor's presence.

"I was wrong," said Thor, firmly and without hesitation. "_Asgard_ is wrong. The Jotun are not monsters. At least, not all of them." Here, he smiled gently down at Loki, who had remained hunched in on himself, unmoving, as though waiting for Thor to smite him with Mjolnir. "You, certainly, are no monster."

"After what I've done?" Loki was skeptical. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know _you_, brother," Thor replied, daring to ruffle Loki's hair as he hadn't since they were young children together. Just as he had then, Loki pretended to be annoyed, attempting to swat Thor's hand away, but he soon settled and the brothers resumed their previous positions. Thor watched Loki closely: he seemed calm and more at peace with himself, yet there was a niggling thought at the back of his mind that all was not yet right. "What troubles you, Loki?"

"Nothing, I assure you," said Loki, but as the God of Lies didn't even believe his own words, there was no chance of Thor believing them. When Thor leveled him with a _look_, much as Loki had done to him earlier, the younger prince found himself compelled to respond: "Will Odin be very angry with me, do you think?"

"No, Loki. Father is a wise and just king, and a caring father—"

"In your experience, maybe," Loki broke in, "but not in mine. He's more likely to lash out first and ask questions later. When it comes to me, at least, I am always guilty until proven innocent."

"You have nothing to fear, Loki," Thor assured him. "There's nothing for which you are to blame, and so there is nothing to punish you for." There was a lull in the conversation, before Thor eventually spoke up again: "Did Father really have you whipped?"

"Many times in our youth," said Loki without shame. "It was his preferred method for 'dealing' with me. That, and locking me up so that I was isolated, cut off from everyone, but most importantly, from you. In a way, that was almost worse than anything else he could have done."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Thor whispered. "All those times when you could not be found, and it was Odin who was to blame; Odin who had you shut away from me..."

"He justified such punishments, saying that they were for my own good," Loki revealed, it having not escaped his notice that Thor had referred to their beloved ruler as 'Odin' rather than as 'Father'. "I think, sometimes, he might have been acting from some vision he had had of the future involving me. And so I can understand why he would treat me as he did, to ensure that I would neither stray from the path he had chosen for me nor give my loyalty to one other than him."

"And have you?" Thor wanted to know.

Loki smiled, his eyes softening as he gazed tenderly at his brother. "My loyalty is to you, Thor, and you alone. No other." He paused, as though unsure whether to continue, before steeling himself. "I'm not ignorant to the fact that there are those in the past who have questioned my loyalty, but I hope to have never given _you_ cause to do so."

"Not in the least, brother," said Thor. "My trust in you is absolute. There is no one I would rather have at my back or by my side in battle."

Loki sighed, releasing a breath he hadn't been aware he was holding. "I never want for you to doubt me," he whispered, bowing his head and cutting Thor off from his eyes, which, unlike his tongue, could not lie.

"Look at me," said Thor, his commanding tone unmistakably that of a king. Still, Loki refused him, suddenly and irrationally _afraid_. "Loki..." Thor huffed impatiently, before placing a finger beneath Loki's chin and tilting his face upwards. Loki stared back at him, almost unseeing, but the naked vulnerability in his eyes still momentarily robbed Thor of his breath. "Loki," he said again, smiling, equal parts exasperated and amused. "How could I doubt you when I know how much love you bear for me?"

Loki smiled sheepishly as he felt his fear leave him as quickly as it had come. "Forgive me, brother. I am unused to being as open with you as I have been on this night."

"You have done nothing wrong, Loki," said Thor, responding to his first statement. "I only hope you continue to confide in me, as you used to when we were younger. I hope we are comfortable enough with each other to talk openly about whatever matter is at hand."

"As do I, Thor," said Loki. "As do I."

Silence once more descended over the room and stretched between the brothers. But whereas before silence had been their enemy, dividing and conquering, now it was content, even peaceful. Loki could feel his body growing weak with exhaustion; he hadn't been taking the best care of himself since ascending to the throne, and perhaps even before, as penance for indirectly being the cause of Thor's banishment. Now, though, he could feel the weight of all he had done and all he had left to do crushing him like Mjolnir. And then, suddenly, the weight was lifted as Thor took him in his arms and lay down on the bed with him.

"Sleep, brother," he said. "I'll still be here when you wake. I won't ever leave you alone again." And Loki smiled, even as the black oblivion of sleep claimed him.

* * *

When Odin eventually woke from his enchanted sleep and saw fit to pass on his staff to Thor, thus proclaiming him the next king of Asgard, Loki was the first to kneel and place his hands between his brother's in homage, though Thor was quick to raise him to his feet. Never again would Loki think himself less than Thor – or anyone else, for that matter – and from that day forward, no one ever doubted Loki's loyalty and devotion to Thor. Not even Loki himself.


End file.
